it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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