So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
