Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
well you can't waste a boner
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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