I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
