You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
