Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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