You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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