Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
