dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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