it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
