he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize