I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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