She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
