At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
