Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Randomize
