i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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