garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
