She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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