How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
