The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
