Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
