I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
