Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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