i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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