dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
