Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize