Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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