I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize