I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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