Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I hate all girls vehemently.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
