that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
