Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
You took a bar mat shot.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
