I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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