fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
