the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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