Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
