I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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