All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
