Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
