Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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