The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
