I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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