On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize