Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
