I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
