It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
