I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
