Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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