I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I think I just sharted jello shots
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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