They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
