He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
How does one acquire holy water?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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