I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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