Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
