I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
