Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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