my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
