Tell her she can't have a vagina
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize