Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
