John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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